How to Have the Perfect Holiday

by Cathy Chapman, PhD

     I went through a period of about 10 years where I was depressed during the holidays, and I couldn't figure out why. Childhood Christmases were wonderful in my family. My maternal grandparents always came with a trunk loaded with beautifully wrapped Christmas presents. My grandmother must have spent hours baking bread, cookies and banana bread. Why was I so sad during the holidays?

     Then the Christmas came that I had a "Well, duh," experience. I was sad because I was grieving. Those childhood Christmases were gone and would never return. My parents divorced after 24-years of marriage and my grandfather was no longer with us. Christmas would never be the same.

Why People Have Problems with the Holidays

     The winter holidays, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Saturnalia, Kwanza or a season of love and joy, are difficult times for many people. There are several general reasons for this and one specific reason.

     The general reasons are:

1. Grief because the holidays will not be the same as the past. This is due to changes in family constellation resulting from divorce, death of loved ones or moving.
2. Grief due to memories of painful holidays of the past. This is typical in families where there was alcoholism. The wine and other alcoholic beverages flowed freely, drunkenness came, tempers flared and violence, physical or emotional, often erupted.
3. Unreal expectations that the holiday season would "fix" or "soothe" a breaking or broken relationship.
4. Stress due to the unreal expectations that you must make things "perfect," however it is you who defines perfect. You must have the perfect gifts, the perfect decorations and the perfect food.
5. Sadness because you do not have what you wanted at this time. This could be the special someone in your life or a particular job or income status.

     There is one specific reason for most of the stress and depression that surrounds many during this time of year: Living in the future or the past rather than staying in the present.

 Overcoming Grief

     When you are stuck in the past or in the future you first need to realize that you are the one who put yourself in that time warp. You are so powerful that you time travel to the past or to the future. If you want to enjoy this season of what can be a general feeling of joy and good will, you need to use your tremendous power and travel to the present.

1.  When you grieve the past, it is time to enumerate the blessings you have now. If all you have is a coat to keep you warm, be in a place of thankfulness and appreciation for that coat. Anyone reading this article has much more than just a coat.
2.  When you grieve a person you have lost through death, divorce, illness or another situation, give thanks for what it was about them that helped make you who you are today. When you do this you are in both the past and the present simultaneously. 
3.  When you have flashbacks to the years when emotional or physical violence ruined your holidays, remind yourself that they are of the past. You can create new memories now. You have that power.
4. If you are in an unhappy or destructive relationship, know you have the power to change your situation. Yes, it may be difficult, but there are steps you can take and people who can help you.
5. When you feel stressed because you aren't getting everything done or you can't find that one perfect gift, then it is time to take a deep breath and get back in touch with the love you feel for those around you.

     Memories of joy and love can contribute to the love and joy of the present. You are the one who has the power to marvel in what you have now. If you are continually in the past or in the future, you can't enjoy what you have now, and what you have now is the gift of the season even if you receive nothing else.