How Detached Could YOU Be?

Copyright 2010 by Mike George
 
     It’s probably true to say that “detachment” gets a bad press! In Western so called developed societies it tends to be interpreted as either “non caring” or as some form of “avoidance” and often invokes a feeling of coldness. They are interpretations from which we can easily give our self permission not to investigate the true meaning and implications of detaching i.e. living from a place of “non attachment”.
 
     So what is the difference between attachment and detachment in reality? Attachment happens entirely within our consciousness. When we become attached to any “object” or any “person” or any “place” we lose our “sense of self” in the image of the object of attachment. That image is our creation on the screen of our mind. This primary “location” of attachment within our mind is one of the reasons why detachment is so misunderstood. Few of us learn to be aware of exactly what we are dong and what is going on within our own consciousness.
 
     This is why when something happens to the object of attachment “out there” we take it personally and suffer “in here”. While it “looks” like something is happening to the object of our attachment “out there” it “feels” like it is happening to us “in here”. If we did not lose our self in the image of the object/person of attachment we would be detached and therefore undisturbed whenever something happened to the object / person.
 
     This “mistake” of attaching our self to an image then becomes the basis for the creation of “fear” in the form of worry as we project the same or similar “happenings” into our imagined futures. Unfortunately we have also re-interpreted “worry” as care and have learned to believe that if we don’t worry it means we don’t care! Not wanting to be accused of not caring we make sure others know that we worry. And then we worry that they may not recognise how much we care! And so we “justify” our worrying in the name of care!
 
Sabotaging Our Freedom

     Attachment then means we have “trapped” our self “in” the image of the object of our attachment in our mind. Hence the incessant “thinking about” the object of attachment and whatever is immediately related to it. This then becomes a major source of mental tiredness, which can quickly translate into physical fatigue; as we think too much i.e. worry. This goes some way to explain why so many now live, and tolerate living, in almost perpetual anxiety.
 
     We also become attached to the images of less tangible “things” like our beliefs, especially those which were assimilated at a young and more innocent age. Hence our tensions and irritations that arise when we are challenged by others beliefs directly or indirectly. Each day we witness various levels of violence in various parts of the world simply because groups of people are collectively attached to a set of beliefs. They believe it’s right to “believe”. They believe their beliefs are the truth, but can’t quite see they are simply attached to an idea(s) or a concept(s) and are therefore setting themselves up to suffer i.e. to make themselves unhappy. Most of us can recognise our “belief attachments” when we start to argue about anything, but only if we take a few moments to reflect after the emotional heat of the argument has cooled.
 
Violating Our Self

     It seems very few of us realise that attachment in itself is a form of violence upon the self. During the past few years we have become more aware that there are those among us who, for some reason, self-harm and self-abuse at a physical level. But self-harm is something we all seem to have learned and practice daily at a spiritual level i.e. within our consciousness, when we “attach” our self to an image and attempt to “live in” that image. This “self trapping” can be within a variety of different images (objects / people / places / positions etc) depending on the immediate situation and can last for various lengths of time (minutes / hours / days / years) depending on the depth of the attachment. The sign of harm at the physical level is pain whereas the sign of harming at a spiritual level is suffering. The self suffers emotionally.
 
     Whenever there is attachment the emotions that signal our suffering will arise as some form of sadness, anger and/or fear. When we mistakenly justify these emotions as being “natural” human responses we give our self permission not to seek the cause of our emotional suffering or we project the cause of our suffering on to others. We don’t realise the true cause of our emotions (love is not an emotion) is always an attachment to something or someone. It is therefore something we can free our self from. Victimhood is not compulsory, though it can “seem” to be so …sometimes!
 
Learned Detachment

     It’s therefore no accident that surgeons are not allowed to operate on their own family as “family” tends to be our deepest attachment. It is where attachment is most often mistaken for love! The emotions that arise (some form of fear or anger) would therefore interfere with their decision making ability and their capacity to remain calm, stable and accurate as they deliver the care that their profession has trained them to do. It’s also no coincidence that doctors, nurses, police, counsellors and therapists are taught to be detached so that they may give the highest possible care to those whom they serve. It is this juxtaposition of “detachment” being necessary in order to “care” that flummoxes most of us simply because it often seems the world in general, and certain industries in particular, make it their “business” to keep us in a state of attachment in the name of care (love)!
 
     When we attach to anything or anyone it also means we are “on the take”. We want something or we believe we are getting something vital to our happiness from the object of our attachment, usually through some form of “stimulation”. But it’s a stimulation that gradually, if not instantly, becomes a dependency, which most of us now know is not the route to authentic happiness. Detachment is therefore only truly possible when we are free from wanting and taking. Only then are we able to truly give and share (love) without expectation. This dynamic shows up in the art of “detached involvement”. To many people detachment sounds like becoming a cold fish and disengaging or avoiding further involvement. But in the context of our relationships detachment allows us to be involved more fully, to engage more authentically. When we are attached to someone or to a particular outcome it means we “want” something and it’s that wanting something for our self that gets in the way of being able to engage and listen and feel and deeply sense what the “other” is going through. Only when we are free internally from any attachment, and therefore neediness, can we sense, which often means intuit, the real needs of the other and perhaps meet those needs.
 
     Perhaps this is why the idea and the art of “detached involvement” has become a recognised management/leadership skill. It is an ability that allows us to be free of all preoccupations on the inside enabling us to fully engage with people and the world on the outside. Whether you are playing your role as manager, parent or just good friend “detached involvement” enables you to nurture and sustain your relationships free of selfish concerns (desires) and therefore with an genuinely benevolent attitude.
 
     And if the term “detachment” still has connotations of coldness try replacing it with “non-attachment” and see if it invokes more a feeling of a free being… being free!
 
Question: What are your main attachments in life?
 
Reflection: Reflect on each one and see if you can see the nature of the fear that you create around each one in your mind
 
Action: Slowly imagine life without each one. See and feel how you would be. If you “think” you would be devastated sit with that thought and feeling for a little while as a “detached observer” of that thought/feeling and watch what happens within your consciousness.
 

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